What if...

Have you ever thought of how life would have been like if you have done what you didn't do or regretted that you had made that certain choice in life but knew you shouldn't have? Is life going the way you want it to be now?

These are the typical questions we find ourselves asking daily, judging our past performances and future ones that have yet been made. We constantly judge ourselves for what we did or didn't do and then suffer in doubt of what should have been and should not have been...you have always been dealt a bad hand in life, from making tiny mistakes that makes you a tougher person to making the right choices that makes you a worse person and vice versa.

I know I don't make a lot of sense now but if you read closely and reanalyze it, you'll find that you'll know what I mean in my confusing twisted words...

I may not know a lot of things in life, but I do know this, we are the ones who determine how our life will turn out, which are the right choices for us and how we will live by it. It's your own choice that you have made THAT decision, your own will to do it even though you assumed it isn't because you had some advise from your friends. But think about it...although you might have seek counsel and advice from your family, peers, and higher authorities and you know deep down you are blaming them as well for making you make that decision, but in the end, you're the one who is making that choice, so who are you to blame others for what you have done, hmm?

All in all, you are the one who decides what your fate would be, how you will end up in life, be it good or bad, that's how it is...after looking at my point of view, I can say that, life isn't so bad after all...it's my choice whether I live my whole life in misery, regretting at the things that I could have had but didn't or live my life satisfyingly knowing that I have what I have now and that's just fine with me...that's because it was MY choice and no one elses...

I can say that I am grateful for a lot of things. My family may not be the best in the world, but they are loving and caring enough for me to know that I love them too. I may not have a boyfriend who is close to me now and is on the other side of the world, but I am grateful that he IS there for me, cheering me on, comforting me, always there for me and is willing to do anything for me. I may not have the most normal bunch of friends in the world, in fact, they're just downright freaky and insane, but I am too, and I am glad to have called them my friends. I may not have the riches of the world or have ruled the world, but I already have all I need to live a modest life...all in all, I am a happy person with a good life.

Signature of the Week [2]

Name of Signature
No name...

Phrase
Jessica

Inspiration
Nothing really, I just seem to have gotten this font form dafont and it looks really nice so I went in search of a really gothic render and made a signature out of it. I love the outcome too. It's my best work yet I think =3

Directed at who?
No one at all, cause it's MY signature =P

Amount of time to make it?
About an hour.

Anything else?
Yes, if your comp is frozen, you might not see it, but the words on this signature actually has a shine effect. A nice photoshoppin' skill that I prefer more often than most cause it's easy and it looks really cool ^^

First Day Back

Well it's the first day of my Year 1 Semester 2 in UTAR today, and I can honestly say that it was boring as hell. When I got into the lecture class, the first thing I commented was, how hot the room was and wondered if UTAR had another budget cut and decided we didn't need to have any air conditioning seeing as how we're students and deserve inhuman treatment -waves an angry fist-

And then, the next thing I noticed was, the facilities seem to have worsen. There wasn't even any microphone available for the "soft-toned" lecturer (more like, she can't speak up at all o_O) so we all had to stretch our ears to be able to hear her...pitiful...

Later, after the 45 minute class was over which was suppose to end after 1 and a half hours, we decided to go to the library, and guess what?!?! The library went "POOF" and relocated itself past the oily mamak area. Upon going in, we realized where the budget money went...into improving the air conditioning for the library, which was, even before moving, working better than any lecture rooms and tutorial rooms!! -Glares-

So fine, we hang out at the library, joking, talking and pouring over reference books, as we wanted to leave, we already had a few books at hand and wanted to check them out, lo and behold! The library's computer system is down!!! "~!@#$%^&*()_+" So in the end we had to reserve our books...

Back at UTAR, after 2 hours at the library, we went to our pitiful lil cafeteria for a bite, it looked the same as it did before when we were in our 1st semester, nothing special there...the most infuriating time of the day was MOST probably during the Bahasa Kebangsaan (A) subject, the class was PACKED!!! Imagine an arena swimming pool on a public holiday, and it was full to the brim where it was difficult even to MOVE in the pool of people where the people can't seem to stop coming at all ToT!!

Not only was the place full to the brim, the lecturer was a TINY person, and although she has a military way of speaking, we just can't seem to understand her at all, so therefore, it was a pleasure to see her get pissed off at us on the first day itself!!! XD

The only good thing I find happened today was of course, the fact that we could get an exemption for Bahasa Kebangsaan (A), because truly, I have no desire whatsoever to be stuck in a overly packed, stuffy, noisy (worse than the pasar malam during their busiest) and to be truthful, unwanted subject, EVER!

And that's how my day went. Boring as hell. -END-

Social Conformity

Forgive and forget? Or is it forget and forgive now? When someone does something bad, would you willingly forgive them and forget the whole incident ever happened? Or would you alienate that person and pretend you never knew them? To an extend that "By forgetting we were ever connected, I'll forgive you in time" is the main saying behind the motto...

I believe that people nowadays are more critically judged than it was before in our parents time, where life was harsh and you were born to be an honest, modest person as well as a forgiving person. With no particularly high expectations other than wanting to have a peaceful and joyous life for your family and friends.

However, now in life, people are judged daily by what others say about another person, or yourself, in any case. For example, is it wrong for someone to pour drinks down your front accidentally without any ill intentions and in front of a crowd? A social crowd which expects nothing less from you? Yes, the person was wrong for pouring drinks on you. But you go over the top as to scream at that poor guy who did it and in a loud voice, you say "Fuck!! What the hell did you DO?!?!? Look at my beautiful dress!!! Get out of my sight!! I never want to see hide nor hair from you again unless it's the compensation for my ruined clothes!!" and you huff off to the washroom to try and undo the damage.

In another scenario, if you were with a crowd that judges you for how you treat others, the scenario would probably be the opposite of what it was, it'll probably go like this "Omg, are you okay?" you hold the person by their arm with a worried look on your face, worried that the person might have hurt themselves "Psh, it's just a dress, nothing to worry about, it's not that valuable anyway, just $xxxx is all" thus you be woe your dress it's worth and tries to reassure the person that it was no problem, gaining applause from your kindness towards someone who have ruined your expensive new dress.

But in the presence of friends or family, whom you have known and have known them longer than you have known yourself, the scenario, would yet again be somewhat different. You'll probably be too infuriated to say anything but slap the person right on their cheeks and demand for compensation and promptly give them the glare and the view of your back.

Is this what society has brought upon us? Social awareness on a different level? Being pricks to all who are around us depending on who we're seen with? Are we THAT vain as to lower ourselves to please the social crowd? -sighs- Conformity would, one day, be the death of us...wouldn't you say so?

Patriotism? I think not...

Life as we know it, seems fruitful to all the newer generation as more job opportunities pops up left, right and center, so says the government. But is it really true? If it is, why are the government encouraging fresh graduates to go for jobs they never picked for in the beginning? Why are fresh graduates considered as "social drop outs" as soon as they leave the sanctuary of the studious world called a "learning sanctuary" which the government have named "the educational system"? Is it because their demands for the "dream job" is just that? A dream job? Unobtainable and unimaginable? Bullshit!

Just recently, this morning actually, I was listening to the radio and usually morning programs, they talk about certain issues that are plaguing the world and making life miserable. So, today, after commenting to my cousin about how interesting it was that people could find fault in just about anything in the world today, especially the government. Upon hearing my comments, she went off to her room and came back out with a CD where she burned all the precious radio talks on crappy politics the latest issues and stuff. I took it with gratitude and came home to give it a listen.

There was one particular topic on how graduates these days aren't able to get any jobs, therefore are "social drop outs" to most of the social world. "No job, no talk, no money, no honey" was what a China man once told me when I was touring in Shanghai, but that's another story altogether. Basically, what he meant was, to be successful in this world, you'll need a job to be credible for anything at all, bank loans, high connections, friends and even a girlfriend! Without a job, you'll have no money, without money, you can't get anything at all, not even to maintain your own livelihood, let alone a girlfriend.

So back to the CD on radio talks. The DJ was mentioning something about how, fresh graduates nowadays are being encouraged by the government to do more stable jobs like working for "Indah Water", "MPPJ" and so on. Or as teachers, lecturers, laborers and so on. Jobs that these fresh graduates did NOT train themselves in high class colleges and universities for! I understand if the government is saying that they need more LOCAL people doing these jobs seeing as how the amount of foreigners have increased over the past few years. But what troubles me is that the government is encouraging foreigners to come in and take the jobs WE have trained ourselves for. Do the government have not enough faith in us, the Malaysians? I guess not, seeing as how Malaysians themselves have no faith in their own country and the educational system.

So now, the radio talk gets heated in between song breaks. People were arguing that, "Yes, the government is encouraging Malaysians to work FOR their country but the chances of ever getting the jobs they want are low, especially if you're not a Malay OR a foreigner, because seeing as how this is a Malay country, Malays have the distinct advantage over all the other races. And even IF you're a Malay, the chances of getting the job is still at a low because they prefer a MORE professional person to handle the job, in short, a foreigner."

-Please note, I am NOT discriminating here, I'm just quoting what I've heard.-

Another person mentioned that "Even if our Malaysian fresh graduates were able to land their dream job here, the possibility of them wanting to make it in the first world countries are high, therefore, the government has NO choice but to hire an outsider to do the job a Malaysian could have done but won't, due to the low pay."

After hearing this fascinating radio argument, I would like to ask all you readers. Are you a patriot when it comes to your own country? Willing to sell your soul hold and to cherish, to defend and to love, to live and to die for your country? To stay as loyal as you can be? To uphold and defend the nation's pride and glory?

How many of you out there can honestly say that you don't want to work anywhere outside of Malaysia? Or instead of having a dream house somewhere in Hawaii or Miami or Australia, you'd rather have it in Malaysia? That you're satisfied with what Malaysia has to offer you? Can you really, truly say "Malaysia Boleh!!" without having any doubts in your heart? Even if it's a little? I thought not...

I can honestly say that Malaysia is my home, the place I was born, the land that I crawled, stumbled, walked, jogged, ran on. There will be no other place that I was glad I was brought up upon because I have no memories of war, violence and killing living here, where I was brought up.

But I can also honestly say that I would prefer to have my dream house in Perth, Australia, where the weather isn't as insanely hot all year round like in Malaysia. No outrageously long traffic jams that takes HOURS to clear up especially during the morning and "after office hours". No traffic violators that U-Turns at a "strictly no U-Turn" turning. No going to the public toilets and finding it disgustingly gross and uncleaned. No need to worry about putting up a fence around your house to keep what's outside, outside. I could just go on and on, but I wouldn't dream to bore you, so just use your imagination...

And before you flame me about "How do YOU know it's going to be so freaking awesome in Perth?!?!" I've been to Perth, thank you very much. I went there twice, the 1st time I went there 2 weeks for a vacation, the 2nd time I went there about a month for a "business trip" my mom had there for her job. And I absolutely loved it <3!!!

Virginity [1]

Cleaning my room today, made me think of one of the unfair statements handed to the female population...

While cleaning my room, I found a long hidden box of Durex family pack of condoms. No, I did not buy it for a purpose, it was in fact, handed to me by my family members when I was only a mere age of 12. I suppose my family doesn't trust me enough to not end up pregnant at that age as well as having no sex education at that time. Since we're on this topic, may I ask if condoms have an expiry date?

Virginity. It's getting hopelessly extinct as our society gets more liberal. TO be honest, all I can think of is "So?". Don't get me wrong, I do think that virgins should be given a certain amount of respect for the self-respect they have given themselves. "But what's the big deal anyway?" A friend of mine upon hearing that I have an unopened pack of condoms, swore to me with his life, saying that he'd not marry just any girl. In fact, he'd marry any girl as long as she's a virgin. Now that statement disturbs me to no end.

First of all, his virginity is comparable only to Madonna, and secondly, he clearly cared more about what others might think rather than who that person is and what kind of character she has. He argued that the fact that the slut she isn't a virgin, proves that she's cheap. Talk about double standards...

What angers me most about our conversation was what he said later after I presented an example to him. The conversation goes like this :

"Let's suppose that A (the girl) has dated B (the guy) for over a year or so and it gets to the point where they both feel comfortable enough with each other that it seems only natural for them to have sex. But unfortunately, conflict enters into their relationship and before they knew it, it was over between them. Would you say that the girl was cheap?"

"In fact, I would say, yes."

"And whys that?"

"Well, the girl should have known better than to have enjoy the benefits of sex before marriage. Knowing the consequences of her actions would shame her family and herself, therefore, ending up looking cheap to the next man. Personally, I would prefer a wife who doesn't know much of anything where I would be the only mentor in her sex life."

"But what about the guy? Shouldn't he be responsible for actually being with the girl, gaining her trust, love and loyalty and then, so carelessly, have his fill of sex with her and then regardless of how she feels about him, leaves her to face what they have done together?!?!? He is as much at fault here, I believe, with him knowing that he WOULD, COULD, shame her by walking off like that."

"True, but it's alright for a guy, it's expected that the guy be more experienced in any relationship at all. So, what I'm trying to say is, the guy isn't at fault here, the girl is, she HAD the chance to say no, but instead, she chose NOT to say no and throw caution to the wind."

What's with THAT unfair statement, hmm? I can't believe men have survived this long with their ego so huge that it's possibly choking them half to death -sighs- bastards!! men!!

Essentially speaking, it's not about keeping your virginity until you've repeated your vows but to who, when, why and how you lose it. I won't go as far as to say that we won't make the wrong decisions with who we do it with. But as long as you love that person, who he or she had sex with before shouldn't matter now, would it? I don't give a damn about his or her past, as long as it doesn't revive in the present or future to make or break their relationship. I mean, hello!! Only a fuck up who has screwed with their spouses in the past and left them inconsiderate bastard person would judge others based on that and that alone! Like, how messed up is that?!?! Haven't you heard of "Never judge a book by it's cover"?

I personally support Sex Education, because with the way society is being runned on now, young parents, no, parents in general are shirking away from the responsibility in educating their children on the basic things they should know, like sex and the consequences, for example.

As far as I'm concerned, it's partly their fault (not all) that their teenage daughters are running around getting pregnant as well as abortions. Who's suppose to be there to educate them to love themselves and their bodies more? To be more responsible? Honestly, how many parents in Malaysia do you know that has even uttered a word on sex or love to their children? It's not a surprise that Malaysians aren't open to opinions or even being affectionate (Example : Hugging or even muttering "I love you").

Malaysians have been known to be somewhat...conservative. They do what others think they should do, but regardless of what others think, virginity is just a "thing" and should not be made to be a big "thing". I just think that people should learn to give more credit to another being rather than accusing them, give them a benefit of a doubt.

PS : You should know that more woman lose their virginity through intense sport, injuries and such because the hymen is very delicate and could rupture from even the slightest of "bump". So instead of condemning a woman for not being a virgin, just use common sense and shut up, because you might be wrong and therefore, risk being the idiot in your relationship.

Looking into the mirror of my eyes...

What do you see when you look into my eyes for the first time? Do you see a girl worthy of your trust? Do you see someone you'd spend your life with forever? Do you see a good person in me that I have never known about? What do you see in me?!?!

Let me tell you what I see when I look at myself in the mirror in the middle of the night, while taking a long hot bath because the night was long and cold and I wasn't able to sleep, relaxation was the last thing on my mind when I thought of how I treated you, of how, after gaining your trust, I threw it all away because I thought what I felt just wasn't enough to take us all the way to the end. Of how, when you heard me say the bitter words "I guess I don't feel the same way you do about me..." of how you're still stuck on that little hope of me saying "I still do love you, but it's not as much as I thought it would be..." and of how you're still placing me on that blessed pedestal that I never wanted to be placed on, clinging to the fragile hope that I might return to your embrace...

When I face the mirror in silent turmoil, I look at myself, at the person I became, the person I'm going to be, the things I will do and have done. I swear softly as I remember your tormented and desperate words to make me stay, to not leave the thing we called "US", to not break that sacred bond we had, the laughter, the sadness, the joy, the pain...but it was not to be had, my selfish self couldn't bare to stay with you any longer lest I become less of who I am, who I want to be...

Sighing at those thoughts I look back into the mirror and look deep into my eyes. What I saw was alarming, I saw, within the depths of my black pupils, a mean, angry, selfish person that in the past, I swore I would not be...I forced myself to continue looking into the mirror, even as the mirror was fogging up due to the hot running shower, forced myself to continue to see what others did not...

I saw myself looking into the past when I was an innocent child, willing to learn, eager to please, not knowing what the future will bring and how it will change who I am...The little girl, I saw, was chasing and playing around with other little kids, they were playing "capture the butterfly" where boys will be boys, thus becoming the side who captures the butterflies, disguised as little girls. Oh the joy from the children's laughter was ringing through the school, such a joyous day they are having, I felt the urge to join in with them. Alas, I'm just someone from the outside looking in...

And then the scenery changed into a different time, the little girl has grown, she was not who she used to be, but still as innocent to the outside world, not knowing life was about to change for her...this time, the little girl bumped into her new friends, apologetically, she apologizes to them, not knowing that they, in fact, would one day be her good friends. Day by day, the girl hung around her new friends, getting to know them, never learning to say "No" chatting, talking, and just having plenty of fun with her new found friends. Such a enlightening sight for I long to step in and have fun with them as well...but before I could do just that, the scenario changes.

This time, the girl herself has changed drastically, not an innocent child anymore but a weary, negative, judgmental as well as a skeptical girl, nay, woman. She has long passed the stage of childhood and stepped into a time where kids turned rebellious teen. Her eyes are open this time, to the world around her, knowing that everything was not what they seem to be, people did not cooperate with each other, in fact, they do everything in their power to succeed their friends, relatives and even their parents. Deaths was also another event tainting the little girl's life, the stench of death made her weary to have any friends, lest they leave her alone again in this cold, cruel world.

But, what's this? The woman has started to like men, to have crushes, adoration, love and lust. But the only problem was, the woman deigned herself unworthy of these men in her life, she felt that life had dealt her a bad hand when she wasn't made like the rest of the female population. She looked as bad as she felt, fat, ugly, clumsy, lame, boring, plain and not worthy. Therefore, she locked her bitter heart away from the world, her emotions, put to one side, made her sane, made her chase her bitter dreams away, made her...less than human...

But love did indeed blossom when she met a guy over the internet, a guy who knew her only by her words and her feelings that were never faked. It was a wondrous feeling to be loved, yet it wasn't as fulfilling as she thought it would be when they started to drift apart, a gap so wide, you wouldn't have thought possible. Not wanting to face him and tell him of her feelings, she did the most cowardly of acts, she wrote an offline message to be, a long one, explaining why she was feeling the way she had, why she didn't dare to face him and why she needed time to think...the guy, thinking he had done something wrong, demanded to know what was wrong and so she answered him, after many words and tears said between them, they parted...

Not long after, I see that the girl had undergone a change once again, she isolated herself from the rest of the kind world and went down a path that would probably rob her of any good memories she ever had in the past. She started to meet different variation of guys like they were clothes in a shop she liked. So, as days go by, her boyfriends became a different one each day, not all of them held a grudge against her "polygamy" ways but she felt they had no right to complain because she had already given them somewhat of a disclaimer that they all agreed upon : "I am a female polygamyer and you might not be the last..." but YOU! You came into the picture and broke my habit which made me hate you a lil, the habit I had and did not want to change, not even for you, but I took pity on you, you and your pathetic love life that somewhat resembles my own. Therefore, I agreed to be with you and stop my habits.

As time wore on, my "love" for you became "like" and when I was too busy to even come online, you bothered me on the phone, calling me 10 times or more a day, making me feel "stalked" thus my "loath" for you began as well as deepened when you demanded that I not leave you and even stooping as low as to "kill yourself", telling me that you have just swallowed all the sleeping pills and felt the poison began to work it's magic which you miraculously vomited it out of your system when I mentioned that we might still be together. Not only that, you then mentioned that you have bought the plane tickets as well as getting your passport done as well your dad passing on in a losing attempt to regain my "love" and "pity" for you...

So I ask again...what do you see in me when I talk to you, when we spend time with each other, when I awkwardly say "I love you" when it should have been obvious I didn't when I tried to avoid speaking on the mic with you? Is it so hard to forget me when I have already put you into my past and moved on? And then I ask again, What do you see when you look and or talk to me? Do I resemble a nice person to you? Or do you want to believe a lie, a lie that makes you think I'm an ideal person for you? So ideal that you won't forget what we "had"...

Forget me, for I am now with my beloved one that I have known and had drifted apart from, we might have problems but my love for him had never diminished. Between his carefree stance and your obsessive behavior towards me, I'd choose him any day...

With that thought in mind, tears streamed down my face, I look away from the mirror in disgust and finished my bath. The next morning, I put on an emotionless facade and went about my business as I usually do, not conveying my real emotions to the real world, staying in my solitary world and only telling the world how I feel on this over-dramatic blog of mine, with no pretense wrote in it, pouring out the pain that I feel inside of me...

Remembering 2006

Ahh, it's that time of the year again. "Which time of the year is it?" you ask? Why, it's that time of the year when you throw aside the old diary and start again with a new diary, empty and clean, ready to be doodled in again, in other words, a fresh new beginning.

January 2006

1. Begining of a new year, hooray!

2. Begins the 3nd semester of college -sighs-

February 2006

1. This year's Chinese New Year brought in a whooping 1k worth of "Ang Paus'"

2. Goes back to college with a dishearten heart due to the fact that I had only a week off.

3. Falling out with a dear friend, hope we get to get our friendship back...

March 2006

1. The end of the last Semester of college, yay holidays!

2. Too bad my pals have homes in different parts of Malaysia -sighs-

3. Boring month of holidays just "lepak-ing" around the Selangor area...

4. Sister's birthday as well as a best friend's.

April 2006

1. Omg, I feel old! Turning 19 is depressing, the fact that I'm leaving teen-hood soon as well makes me weep ._.

2. Fortunately, I was not the only one going through this process this month.

3. Starts my first year, first semester in University -is depressed at the University's bad facilities-.

4. Met my lover this month as a friend (We didn't know we'd end up together =P)

5. At the same time, met many other wonderful friends in Extreme, never regretted meeting any of you <3>

May 2006

1. Labours Day, has absolutely nothing to do with us students, but the University decided "What the hey, let's just give ourselves (the staffs) a treat and let them off a day" so hoorah for a free day, maybe?

June 2006

1. OMG!!! STUDY!!! Finals approaching, creeping up to me like a stealthy ninja it is >o<

July 2006

1. Alas, exams are here. Be prepared DX

2. OMG!!! I can't believe I missed my 1st exam!!! What a bloody bad start!!! Now I gotta retake that course again -sighs in depression-

3. Other than that, exams went fairly well...-still haven't mentioned to the parents about the missed subject...-

4. 3 months of holidays begins now...

August 2006

1. Went to Red Box at The Curve with University mates, ahh...4 hours of karaoke is a bit too much ^^;;;

2. Began the holidays in front of the computer, how sad.

3. Had fun chatting with my lover, misses him lots and the fact that he's in Texas, doesn't help lessens it...we're both busy, he was off working for his mom or something, didn't get to spend much time...

4. A bad month to say the least, we decided to end our relationship, wasn't working out as well due to the fact that gaps were opening and creating a huge river between us -sobs-

September 2006

1. Went to KL for a couple of days with University mates, boring to say the least.

2. Went to Aquaria, KLCC for the first time. Gawd, the aquatic species there are amazing! Better than the ones I saw in Perth, the ones in Aquaria are HUGE!!!

3. Started "polygamies" but instead of marrying them, I'm going through my boyfriends like day old bread...

4. Happy birthday MAX!!! (My kitty turned a year old)

October 2006

1. Met a potential lover during the end of this month. Fell in love.

2. Had a fun month overall, sad and fun.

November 2006

1. Went off to Shanghai, China for a tour.

2. Life gets busy due to the fact that my maid went back home till end December.

3. Now BF starts to get creepy by calling my cellphone day in, day out, even when I explained that I was as busy as a bee and couldn't take the time to spend with him.

December 2006

1. Fell out of love, it seems my feelings for him wasn't as deep as I thought it would be -sighs-

2. Felt threatened by him, when he mentioned about suicides and pills DX

3. My old flame is back, realized how deeply, madly in love I still am with him, made me delirious with joy when he asked to get back together.

4. Ahh Christmas, such a wonderful time of the year, too bad my kitty had the most fun cause he totally destroyed the tree playing with the ornaments XD

5. Oh gosh, it's New Year's Eve!!! -Counts down- ...10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!!!!

6. Happy New Year 2007 Everybody!!!!!