What do you see when you look into my eyes for the first time? Do you see a girl worthy of your trust? Do you see someone you'd spend your life with forever? Do you see a good person in me that I have never known about? What do you see in me?!?!
Let me tell you what I see when I look at myself in the mirror in the middle of the night, while taking a long hot bath because the night was long and cold and I wasn't able to sleep, relaxation was the last thing on my mind when I thought of how I treated you, of how, after gaining your trust, I threw it all away because I thought what I felt just wasn't enough to take us all the way to the end. Of how, when you heard me say the bitter words "I guess I don't feel the same way you do about me..." of how you're still stuck on that little hope of me saying "I still do love you, but it's not as much as I thought it would be..." and of how you're still placing me on that blessed pedestal that I never wanted to be placed on, clinging to the fragile hope that I might return to your embrace...
When I face the mirror in silent turmoil, I look at myself, at the person I became, the person I'm going to be, the things I will do and have done. I swear softly as I remember your tormented and desperate words to make me stay, to not leave the thing we called "US", to not break that sacred bond we had, the laughter, the sadness, the joy, the pain...but it was not to be had, my selfish self couldn't bare to stay with you any longer lest I become less of who I am, who I want to be...
Sighing at those thoughts I look back into the mirror and look deep into my eyes. What I saw was alarming, I saw, within the depths of my black pupils, a mean, angry, selfish person that in the past, I swore I would not be...I forced myself to continue looking into the mirror, even as the mirror was fogging up due to the hot running shower, forced myself to continue to see what others did not...
I saw myself looking into the past when I was an innocent child, willing to learn, eager to please, not knowing what the future will bring and how it will change who I am...The little girl, I saw, was chasing and playing around with other little kids, they were playing "capture the butterfly" where boys will be boys, thus becoming the side who captures the butterflies, disguised as little girls. Oh the joy from the children's laughter was ringing through the school, such a joyous day they are having, I felt the urge to join in with them. Alas, I'm just someone from the outside looking in...
And then the scenery changed into a different time, the little girl has grown, she was not who she used to be, but still as innocent to the outside world, not knowing life was about to change for her...this time, the little girl bumped into her new friends, apologetically, she apologizes to them, not knowing that they, in fact, would one day be her good friends. Day by day, the girl hung around her new friends, getting to know them, never learning to say "No" chatting, talking, and just having plenty of fun with her new found friends. Such a enlightening sight for I long to step in and have fun with them as well...but before I could do just that, the scenario changes.
This time, the girl herself has changed drastically, not an innocent child anymore but a weary, negative, judgmental as well as a skeptical girl, nay, woman. She has long passed the stage of childhood and stepped into a time where kids turned rebellious teen. Her eyes are open this time, to the world around her, knowing that everything was not what they seem to be, people did not cooperate with each other, in fact, they do everything in their power to succeed their friends, relatives and even their parents. Deaths was also another event tainting the little girl's life, the stench of death made her weary to have any friends, lest they leave her alone again in this cold, cruel world.
But, what's this? The woman has started to like men, to have crushes, adoration, love and lust. But the only problem was, the woman deigned herself unworthy of these men in her life, she felt that life had dealt her a bad hand when she wasn't made like the rest of the female population. She looked as bad as she felt, fat, ugly, clumsy, lame, boring, plain and not worthy. Therefore, she locked her bitter heart away from the world, her emotions, put to one side, made her sane, made her chase her bitter dreams away, made her...less than human...
But love did indeed blossom when she met a guy over the internet, a guy who knew her only by her words and her feelings that were never faked. It was a wondrous feeling to be loved, yet it wasn't as fulfilling as she thought it would be when they started to drift apart, a gap so wide, you wouldn't have thought possible. Not wanting to face him and tell him of her feelings, she did the most cowardly of acts, she wrote an offline message to be, a long one, explaining why she was feeling the way she had, why she didn't dare to face him and why she needed time to think...the guy, thinking he had done something wrong, demanded to know what was wrong and so she answered him, after many words and tears said between them, they parted...
Not long after, I see that the girl had undergone a change once again, she isolated herself from the rest of the kind world and went down a path that would probably rob her of any good memories she ever had in the past. She started to meet different variation of guys like they were clothes in a shop she liked. So, as days go by, her boyfriends became a different one each day, not all of them held a grudge against her "polygamy" ways but she felt they had no right to complain because she had already given them somewhat of a disclaimer that they all agreed upon : "I am a female polygamyer and you might not be the last..." but YOU! You came into the picture and broke my habit which made me hate you a lil, the habit I had and did not want to change, not even for you, but I took pity on you, you and your pathetic love life that somewhat resembles my own. Therefore, I agreed to be with you and stop my habits.
As time wore on, my "love" for you became "like" and when I was too busy to even come online, you bothered me on the phone, calling me 10 times or more a day, making me feel "stalked" thus my "loath" for you began as well as deepened when you demanded that I not leave you and even stooping as low as to "kill yourself", telling me that you have just swallowed all the sleeping pills and felt the poison began to work it's magic which you miraculously vomited it out of your system when I mentioned that we might still be together. Not only that, you then mentioned that you have bought the plane tickets as well as getting your passport done as well your dad passing on in a losing attempt to regain my "love" and "pity" for you...
So I ask again...what do you see in me when I talk to you, when we spend time with each other, when I awkwardly say "I love you" when it should have been obvious I didn't when I tried to avoid speaking on the mic with you? Is it so hard to forget me when I have already put you into my past and moved on? And then I ask again, What do you see when you look and or talk to me? Do I resemble a nice person to you? Or do you want to believe a lie, a lie that makes you think I'm an ideal person for you? So ideal that you won't forget what we "had"...
Forget me, for I am now with my beloved one that I have known and had drifted apart from, we might have problems but my love for him had never diminished. Between his carefree stance and your obsessive behavior towards me, I'd choose him any day...
With that thought in mind, tears streamed down my face, I look away from the mirror in disgust and finished my bath. The next morning, I put on an emotionless facade and went about my business as I usually do, not conveying my real emotions to the real world, staying in my solitary world and only telling the world how I feel on this over-dramatic blog of mine, with no pretense wrote in it, pouring out the pain that I feel inside of me...
