Virginity [1]

Cleaning my room today, made me think of one of the unfair statements handed to the female population...

While cleaning my room, I found a long hidden box of Durex family pack of condoms. No, I did not buy it for a purpose, it was in fact, handed to me by my family members when I was only a mere age of 12. I suppose my family doesn't trust me enough to not end up pregnant at that age as well as having no sex education at that time. Since we're on this topic, may I ask if condoms have an expiry date?

Virginity. It's getting hopelessly extinct as our society gets more liberal. TO be honest, all I can think of is "So?". Don't get me wrong, I do think that virgins should be given a certain amount of respect for the self-respect they have given themselves. "But what's the big deal anyway?" A friend of mine upon hearing that I have an unopened pack of condoms, swore to me with his life, saying that he'd not marry just any girl. In fact, he'd marry any girl as long as she's a virgin. Now that statement disturbs me to no end.

First of all, his virginity is comparable only to Madonna, and secondly, he clearly cared more about what others might think rather than who that person is and what kind of character she has. He argued that the fact that the slut she isn't a virgin, proves that she's cheap. Talk about double standards...

What angers me most about our conversation was what he said later after I presented an example to him. The conversation goes like this :

"Let's suppose that A (the girl) has dated B (the guy) for over a year or so and it gets to the point where they both feel comfortable enough with each other that it seems only natural for them to have sex. But unfortunately, conflict enters into their relationship and before they knew it, it was over between them. Would you say that the girl was cheap?"

"In fact, I would say, yes."

"And whys that?"

"Well, the girl should have known better than to have enjoy the benefits of sex before marriage. Knowing the consequences of her actions would shame her family and herself, therefore, ending up looking cheap to the next man. Personally, I would prefer a wife who doesn't know much of anything where I would be the only mentor in her sex life."

"But what about the guy? Shouldn't he be responsible for actually being with the girl, gaining her trust, love and loyalty and then, so carelessly, have his fill of sex with her and then regardless of how she feels about him, leaves her to face what they have done together?!?!? He is as much at fault here, I believe, with him knowing that he WOULD, COULD, shame her by walking off like that."

"True, but it's alright for a guy, it's expected that the guy be more experienced in any relationship at all. So, what I'm trying to say is, the guy isn't at fault here, the girl is, she HAD the chance to say no, but instead, she chose NOT to say no and throw caution to the wind."

What's with THAT unfair statement, hmm? I can't believe men have survived this long with their ego so huge that it's possibly choking them half to death -sighs- bastards!! men!!

Essentially speaking, it's not about keeping your virginity until you've repeated your vows but to who, when, why and how you lose it. I won't go as far as to say that we won't make the wrong decisions with who we do it with. But as long as you love that person, who he or she had sex with before shouldn't matter now, would it? I don't give a damn about his or her past, as long as it doesn't revive in the present or future to make or break their relationship. I mean, hello!! Only a fuck up who has screwed with their spouses in the past and left them inconsiderate bastard person would judge others based on that and that alone! Like, how messed up is that?!?! Haven't you heard of "Never judge a book by it's cover"?

I personally support Sex Education, because with the way society is being runned on now, young parents, no, parents in general are shirking away from the responsibility in educating their children on the basic things they should know, like sex and the consequences, for example.

As far as I'm concerned, it's partly their fault (not all) that their teenage daughters are running around getting pregnant as well as abortions. Who's suppose to be there to educate them to love themselves and their bodies more? To be more responsible? Honestly, how many parents in Malaysia do you know that has even uttered a word on sex or love to their children? It's not a surprise that Malaysians aren't open to opinions or even being affectionate (Example : Hugging or even muttering "I love you").

Malaysians have been known to be somewhat...conservative. They do what others think they should do, but regardless of what others think, virginity is just a "thing" and should not be made to be a big "thing". I just think that people should learn to give more credit to another being rather than accusing them, give them a benefit of a doubt.

PS : You should know that more woman lose their virginity through intense sport, injuries and such because the hymen is very delicate and could rupture from even the slightest of "bump". So instead of condemning a woman for not being a virgin, just use common sense and shut up, because you might be wrong and therefore, risk being the idiot in your relationship.

Looking into the mirror of my eyes...

What do you see when you look into my eyes for the first time? Do you see a girl worthy of your trust? Do you see someone you'd spend your life with forever? Do you see a good person in me that I have never known about? What do you see in me?!?!

Let me tell you what I see when I look at myself in the mirror in the middle of the night, while taking a long hot bath because the night was long and cold and I wasn't able to sleep, relaxation was the last thing on my mind when I thought of how I treated you, of how, after gaining your trust, I threw it all away because I thought what I felt just wasn't enough to take us all the way to the end. Of how, when you heard me say the bitter words "I guess I don't feel the same way you do about me..." of how you're still stuck on that little hope of me saying "I still do love you, but it's not as much as I thought it would be..." and of how you're still placing me on that blessed pedestal that I never wanted to be placed on, clinging to the fragile hope that I might return to your embrace...

When I face the mirror in silent turmoil, I look at myself, at the person I became, the person I'm going to be, the things I will do and have done. I swear softly as I remember your tormented and desperate words to make me stay, to not leave the thing we called "US", to not break that sacred bond we had, the laughter, the sadness, the joy, the pain...but it was not to be had, my selfish self couldn't bare to stay with you any longer lest I become less of who I am, who I want to be...

Sighing at those thoughts I look back into the mirror and look deep into my eyes. What I saw was alarming, I saw, within the depths of my black pupils, a mean, angry, selfish person that in the past, I swore I would not be...I forced myself to continue looking into the mirror, even as the mirror was fogging up due to the hot running shower, forced myself to continue to see what others did not...

I saw myself looking into the past when I was an innocent child, willing to learn, eager to please, not knowing what the future will bring and how it will change who I am...The little girl, I saw, was chasing and playing around with other little kids, they were playing "capture the butterfly" where boys will be boys, thus becoming the side who captures the butterflies, disguised as little girls. Oh the joy from the children's laughter was ringing through the school, such a joyous day they are having, I felt the urge to join in with them. Alas, I'm just someone from the outside looking in...

And then the scenery changed into a different time, the little girl has grown, she was not who she used to be, but still as innocent to the outside world, not knowing life was about to change for her...this time, the little girl bumped into her new friends, apologetically, she apologizes to them, not knowing that they, in fact, would one day be her good friends. Day by day, the girl hung around her new friends, getting to know them, never learning to say "No" chatting, talking, and just having plenty of fun with her new found friends. Such a enlightening sight for I long to step in and have fun with them as well...but before I could do just that, the scenario changes.

This time, the girl herself has changed drastically, not an innocent child anymore but a weary, negative, judgmental as well as a skeptical girl, nay, woman. She has long passed the stage of childhood and stepped into a time where kids turned rebellious teen. Her eyes are open this time, to the world around her, knowing that everything was not what they seem to be, people did not cooperate with each other, in fact, they do everything in their power to succeed their friends, relatives and even their parents. Deaths was also another event tainting the little girl's life, the stench of death made her weary to have any friends, lest they leave her alone again in this cold, cruel world.

But, what's this? The woman has started to like men, to have crushes, adoration, love and lust. But the only problem was, the woman deigned herself unworthy of these men in her life, she felt that life had dealt her a bad hand when she wasn't made like the rest of the female population. She looked as bad as she felt, fat, ugly, clumsy, lame, boring, plain and not worthy. Therefore, she locked her bitter heart away from the world, her emotions, put to one side, made her sane, made her chase her bitter dreams away, made her...less than human...

But love did indeed blossom when she met a guy over the internet, a guy who knew her only by her words and her feelings that were never faked. It was a wondrous feeling to be loved, yet it wasn't as fulfilling as she thought it would be when they started to drift apart, a gap so wide, you wouldn't have thought possible. Not wanting to face him and tell him of her feelings, she did the most cowardly of acts, she wrote an offline message to be, a long one, explaining why she was feeling the way she had, why she didn't dare to face him and why she needed time to think...the guy, thinking he had done something wrong, demanded to know what was wrong and so she answered him, after many words and tears said between them, they parted...

Not long after, I see that the girl had undergone a change once again, she isolated herself from the rest of the kind world and went down a path that would probably rob her of any good memories she ever had in the past. She started to meet different variation of guys like they were clothes in a shop she liked. So, as days go by, her boyfriends became a different one each day, not all of them held a grudge against her "polygamy" ways but she felt they had no right to complain because she had already given them somewhat of a disclaimer that they all agreed upon : "I am a female polygamyer and you might not be the last..." but YOU! You came into the picture and broke my habit which made me hate you a lil, the habit I had and did not want to change, not even for you, but I took pity on you, you and your pathetic love life that somewhat resembles my own. Therefore, I agreed to be with you and stop my habits.

As time wore on, my "love" for you became "like" and when I was too busy to even come online, you bothered me on the phone, calling me 10 times or more a day, making me feel "stalked" thus my "loath" for you began as well as deepened when you demanded that I not leave you and even stooping as low as to "kill yourself", telling me that you have just swallowed all the sleeping pills and felt the poison began to work it's magic which you miraculously vomited it out of your system when I mentioned that we might still be together. Not only that, you then mentioned that you have bought the plane tickets as well as getting your passport done as well your dad passing on in a losing attempt to regain my "love" and "pity" for you...

So I ask again...what do you see in me when I talk to you, when we spend time with each other, when I awkwardly say "I love you" when it should have been obvious I didn't when I tried to avoid speaking on the mic with you? Is it so hard to forget me when I have already put you into my past and moved on? And then I ask again, What do you see when you look and or talk to me? Do I resemble a nice person to you? Or do you want to believe a lie, a lie that makes you think I'm an ideal person for you? So ideal that you won't forget what we "had"...

Forget me, for I am now with my beloved one that I have known and had drifted apart from, we might have problems but my love for him had never diminished. Between his carefree stance and your obsessive behavior towards me, I'd choose him any day...

With that thought in mind, tears streamed down my face, I look away from the mirror in disgust and finished my bath. The next morning, I put on an emotionless facade and went about my business as I usually do, not conveying my real emotions to the real world, staying in my solitary world and only telling the world how I feel on this over-dramatic blog of mine, with no pretense wrote in it, pouring out the pain that I feel inside of me...

Remembering 2006

Ahh, it's that time of the year again. "Which time of the year is it?" you ask? Why, it's that time of the year when you throw aside the old diary and start again with a new diary, empty and clean, ready to be doodled in again, in other words, a fresh new beginning.

January 2006

1. Begining of a new year, hooray!

2. Begins the 3nd semester of college -sighs-

February 2006

1. This year's Chinese New Year brought in a whooping 1k worth of "Ang Paus'"

2. Goes back to college with a dishearten heart due to the fact that I had only a week off.

3. Falling out with a dear friend, hope we get to get our friendship back...

March 2006

1. The end of the last Semester of college, yay holidays!

2. Too bad my pals have homes in different parts of Malaysia -sighs-

3. Boring month of holidays just "lepak-ing" around the Selangor area...

4. Sister's birthday as well as a best friend's.

April 2006

1. Omg, I feel old! Turning 19 is depressing, the fact that I'm leaving teen-hood soon as well makes me weep ._.

2. Fortunately, I was not the only one going through this process this month.

3. Starts my first year, first semester in University -is depressed at the University's bad facilities-.

4. Met my lover this month as a friend (We didn't know we'd end up together =P)

5. At the same time, met many other wonderful friends in Extreme, never regretted meeting any of you <3>

May 2006

1. Labours Day, has absolutely nothing to do with us students, but the University decided "What the hey, let's just give ourselves (the staffs) a treat and let them off a day" so hoorah for a free day, maybe?

June 2006

1. OMG!!! STUDY!!! Finals approaching, creeping up to me like a stealthy ninja it is >o<

July 2006

1. Alas, exams are here. Be prepared DX

2. OMG!!! I can't believe I missed my 1st exam!!! What a bloody bad start!!! Now I gotta retake that course again -sighs in depression-

3. Other than that, exams went fairly well...-still haven't mentioned to the parents about the missed subject...-

4. 3 months of holidays begins now...

August 2006

1. Went to Red Box at The Curve with University mates, ahh...4 hours of karaoke is a bit too much ^^;;;

2. Began the holidays in front of the computer, how sad.

3. Had fun chatting with my lover, misses him lots and the fact that he's in Texas, doesn't help lessens it...we're both busy, he was off working for his mom or something, didn't get to spend much time...

4. A bad month to say the least, we decided to end our relationship, wasn't working out as well due to the fact that gaps were opening and creating a huge river between us -sobs-

September 2006

1. Went to KL for a couple of days with University mates, boring to say the least.

2. Went to Aquaria, KLCC for the first time. Gawd, the aquatic species there are amazing! Better than the ones I saw in Perth, the ones in Aquaria are HUGE!!!

3. Started "polygamies" but instead of marrying them, I'm going through my boyfriends like day old bread...

4. Happy birthday MAX!!! (My kitty turned a year old)

October 2006

1. Met a potential lover during the end of this month. Fell in love.

2. Had a fun month overall, sad and fun.

November 2006

1. Went off to Shanghai, China for a tour.

2. Life gets busy due to the fact that my maid went back home till end December.

3. Now BF starts to get creepy by calling my cellphone day in, day out, even when I explained that I was as busy as a bee and couldn't take the time to spend with him.

December 2006

1. Fell out of love, it seems my feelings for him wasn't as deep as I thought it would be -sighs-

2. Felt threatened by him, when he mentioned about suicides and pills DX

3. My old flame is back, realized how deeply, madly in love I still am with him, made me delirious with joy when he asked to get back together.

4. Ahh Christmas, such a wonderful time of the year, too bad my kitty had the most fun cause he totally destroyed the tree playing with the ornaments XD

5. Oh gosh, it's New Year's Eve!!! -Counts down- ...10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!!!!

6. Happy New Year 2007 Everybody!!!!!

Signature of the Week [1]

Name of Signature
Christmas Wish

Phrase
Jessica - All I want for Christmas...is you...

Inspiration
What other inspiration do I need to make this siggy other that it being Christmas? Nothing, just that at that time, my heart was aching for a certain person to come back into my life, to spend my time with, the only person that I wanted to see for Christmas...is also the only person I won't be able to see...at least not for now...as it says in the siggy, "All I want for Christmas...is you..." for now and for always.

Directed at who?
To a certain someone who I've known since April...as well as all the important people in my life, you all mean the world to me, hope you all got all you have wished for this Christmas.

Amount of time to make it?
2 Days and a half, couldn't figure out the tutorial till I changed from Photoshop CS2 to ImageReady CS2 XD

Anything else?

Yes, this siggy is actually an animated siggy, incase you can't see it, it actually has snow falling down in a smooth manner, couldn't be more perfect. And also, I made this siggy simple because I like to do things in a simple way. Too much isn't always a good thing you know ^_- so goes the saying "Quantity isn't Quality..."

The Bride, the Witch and the Dress

There once was a madly in love couple, a rich girl and a dirt poor boy, the fact that the guy was poor was enough to make the girl's parents balk at the thought of their precious lil girl marrying into poverty. thus they forbade their request to be married when he (the poor guy) asked for their little girl's hand in marriage. Dejected, the couple decided that to be together, the only choice is to elope as soon as the chance arises.

And that chance DID arrive, while picking up their suits at the wedding dress and suit shop, the groom decided to walk across the "not-so-busy" street to get his beloved one a bouquet of flowers. But unbeknown to the excited groom, a speeding car came out of nowhere and "WHAM!!" giving a new meaning to "Pop goes the weasel", the groom's good intention had gotten him killed him. The bride, upon hearing the crash, hurried to the murder scene just to find that there isn't going to be a wedding after all. She rushed to his side and hugged his blood-soaked limp body close to her and cried in anguish.

At night, after she was taken home by her parents and tucked into bed, her parents went off to bed as well, relieved that their only daughter did not throw her life away by marrying a poor boy. At the stroke of midnight, deep in his sleep, the girl's father had a dream, in his dream, a witch appeared looking wrinkled as well as ghastly with her hair flowing around her face bringing about the rise of Ju-On (touches wood >.>). The father, shocked and terrified, awoke in cold sweat, but not before the warning given by the witch to him mentioning that "You must get rid of the blood from your daughter's wedding dress or misfortune will befall her." Assuming that it's all been just a nightmare, the father returned to bed and forgot the whole incident.

The 2nd night however, the mother had the same exact dream about the witch and the warning about the tragedy that was about to befall her daughter if the dress wasn't cleaned. Being a logical woman, the mother ignored the warning as well and went back to bed without thinking twice.

On the 3rd night, the witch turned her attention to the girl, appearing in her dreams, the witch instructs the girl to wash her wedding dress for a great misfortune will befall her if she fails to clean the dress of all the blood stains, after conveying the warning, the witch vanished and the girl awoke in cold sweat. Since it was the girl's own life at stake here, she decided to believe the witch in her dreams and starts the day with washing her wedding dress. It was a tedious chore as the blood stains on the wedding dress had seeped into the dress making it difficult to get rid of the stains. With all her might, the girl washed the dress as clean as it could get but there was a small patch left on the dress where the blood stain was being as stubborn as a bull and wouldn't was off.

When she went to sleep that night, the witch approached her again predicting her impending doom if she does not find a way to get rid of the remaining blood stains. And so, the girl began her day by washing the dress again, but to her dismay, the blood stain would not go away. Days passed by as the witch reappeared in her dreams nightly and the girl washing the dress daily, but nothing seems to be able to get rid of the stubborn blood stain.

Exasperate, the girl decided to give up and give in to her fate of impending doom and await the time she would be reunited with her loved one. Just as she gave up, suddenly the doorbell rang, bringing a sudden tension in the air as the girl wonders if that was her impending doom awaiting her at her door. Cautiously, the girl went and open the door slowly. Gasping in shock, she finds the witch in her dreams to be standing outside her door.

The witch with her hair flowing around her, her wrinkled skin sagging her face makes her look as though she was the wicked witch of the west. The girl upon sighting the witch, back up further into the house, the witch, not missing a beat moves forward towards the girl in a menacing look, staring her down with a grumpy cum evil cum obsessed look.

The end felt near when the girl felt herself backed into a wall without an escape route for all the exits have been blocked by walls without a window in sight (yes, there weren't any windows to the house, curse her bad luck). The witch, just stopping short of her glared at the girl and reached into her over-sized robes and starts to bring out something resembling a box..."a box of doom?" thought the frightened girl as she places her hands in front of her to ward off what was coming to her when suddenly, the witch hands the girl a box of......detergent!!

"Use THIS to get rid of the stains you silly girl!!!"

*Pauses to let the surprising ending sink into the readers shocked minds*

Now, how was that for a story? Surprising hmm? I was surprised too when my brother decided to share this story with the family during Christmas Eve while we were in a restaurant having dinner. I have to admit, I was expecting a different ending as well. Imagine my incredulous expression when my brother ended the story abruptly with the 2nd last phrase "when suddenly, the witch hands the girl a box of...detergent!!" -.-;;;

You can just imagine the silence that ensued after my brother finished his story, yes, even the people from the neighboring tables were listening intently to the story. Oh what a shock we had when he ended it. But it was funny nonetheless after recovering from the shocking ending.

And that's all there is...there isn't anymore...(taken from Madeline)

A New Beginning

Current Mood: Not in the mood to give pretty words...

Well, here it is...the beginning of the story of my life...true facts...typed...not written...in the computer...not a leather-covered book, locked in a drawer somewhere...but in the World Wide Web (WWW)...for all to see...how scandalous!!

Not only would my life story be exposed to all to see here, I shall try my very best to make it as harsh and cruel as possible knowing all you readers prefer scandalous truths rather than innocent lies. My blogging here is NOT, I repeat, NOT to satisfy your thirst for dirty blood but to satisfy my need to find a place to keep all the happenings of my daily life away from the scourging hands of my nosy parents.

Stuff that is written in here would be all true and nothing BUT the truth, except that names will be changed and locations will be summarised if necessary. All facts will be written to the exact truth and nothing will be censored. That being the case here, people under the age of 18, and people who are both physically and mentally virgins are highly advised NOT to read this blog. Nor should those who are weak at heart and mind read this blog. This blog is certified to be harmful and damaging to those mentioned before by the institute of Perverted, Evil, Sadistic, and Traumatising Society (PESTS - no evidence has been presented saying that I created this Institute). So please, if you can't handle the bitter, cruel truth...leave with haste.

After all is said and done, the true blogging shall begin and perhaps you may begin to open your eyes to all the ugliness that is here and see the true beauty behind all these lying facade. Perhaps you'll be able to live with yourself after reading this blog, who knows, it might just happen to any one of us out in the real world and could, maybe, possibly, safe us from sinning against ourselves using our better judgments.

So read on, if you dare, perhaps even comment on them if you dare. Because in the end, all that matters to me, is what I think and not what you think of me that'll hold me back from typing anything and everything I saw fit to be posted online and for all to see...

Enjoy.

† The True Beauty Seeker †